Displaying all 5 Review

• POC! LE FILM! — for Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
  Written by Palahniuk007 on 28.05.2010

  When I saw pirate stuff on WTM, I was lost. I couldn't win a single point. But I suddenly realized I just had to enter Pirates of the Caribbean after a research in the archives. This is how I discovered there was not only one movie of that name but three! And this is how I was introduced to POC Land.

  I never heard of this trilogy because I live in a mental institute. They don't take you to the movies and TV is forbidden. But I managed to steal a computer and that's why I'm here for a little while. Although I didn't see POC, I take the liberty to write a short critic of my own.

  Here it is:

  I like POC very much. I find the characters enjoyable. I like the boats too. And the guy who looks like an octopus. I adore the shoes they wear. And there is a dog as well. You have the sea, the islands and a lot of skeletons (which frightens me a lot). All in all, those movies are great!

  I'm waiting to see new snapshots of it to puzzle the story line because soon or later the three movies will be covered shot by shot. And the good news is this: I now collect at least 10 points every month! Thank you WTM.

• LOVE LOTR — for The Lord of the Rings
  Written by Palahniuk007 on 28.05.2010

  The only movie I saw in a real theater was a cartoon called LORD OF THE RINGS. Nowadays nobody needs to go to a movie theater anymore (I heard they destroyed them all) and you can watch a lot of stuff on the internet so why go outside? I maybe have to tell you I live in a mental institute so don't get offended with my poor writing.

  I was seven years old and my mother, who was hooking at that time, took me to see LORD OF THE RINGS I don't know how and why. I remember the cartoon was very very very long. I didn't understand nothing at all. But the images my eyes saw were so vivid, so real, so true that every beats of the movie are in my blood.

  So here is my judgement:

  There is a lot of color in LORD OF THE RINGS. You have four nice little men who walk in a forest. And there is black riders with red eyes who chase them on terrifying horses. You can also see two magicians. One is good. And the other one is, you guessed it, bad. There is also a wedding ring that everybody wants badly. And there is a lot of yelling. Nobody agrees when someone wants something. The story is good. The animation is good too. The music is good as well. That's why, dear reader, my humble advice is this: you should download this movie on a dedicated site.

  Voilà.

  I didn't know they made a LOTR trilogy (like I didn't know about the POC one). But thanks to my unique movie experience I can solve every snapshot of the LOTR trilogy.

  That's why I'm very happy with LOTR and WTM.

  Thank you to read me.

• WHEN IN CHAT — for When in Rome
  Written by Palahniuk007 on 19.07.2010

  Let me introduce a Gonzo-like review of the movie they call WHEN IN ROME. I posted a wonderful snap of this incredible movie but nobody liked it to my despair. But fortunately, player Doooom took interest of my struggling efforts to defend the movie so we started to chat about…

  WHEN IN ROME.
  Beware: spoilers!

  Doooom: "You actually got this on DVD? I thought it was kind of lame. Not a single Veronica Mars reference in there. :("

  Me: "Of course I don't have the DVD! My ex-wife does! And I never heard about this movie anyway until I stumbled on the jacket."

  Doooom: "Sounds like some lame excuse to me."

  Me: "I don't excuse myself! I, Palahniuk, stand for this snap. I stand for this wonderful romantic comedy with unknown actors. I cried, I laughed, I applaused during the whole screening. I even mumbled lines of dialogues in my sleep after that. This is the BEST movie of 2010 if you wanna know the truth!"

  Doooom: "Good. Cause i just wanted to test you. But now I know you loved this movie as much as I did. I mean. It got Veronica Mars in it. And Will Arnett. And the pie-maker from Pushing Daisies. And some silly magician. And even the twin brother of Arnold Schwarzenegger. And they are all* together in one car - in an elevator. So how can anyone NOT love this movie? *except the pie-maker"

  Me: "And what about the coins in the fountain? Isn't it cool? Isn't it a GREAT IDEA! How she grabs the coins and … BAM! We discover brand new characters out of the blue making silly faces! I didn't understand right away what was happening because I'm slow. It took me like 20 minutes to get the concept. And that's why I love this movie. It makes you… CLEVER!"

  Doooom: "Yeah, the coins are great. At least there are some movies with a creative and still logical premise nowadays. But who would have thought the last coin belonged to the priest? Ok, I did and the guys who set behind respectively in front of me in the cinema did, but that's not the point. It's still absolutely surprising. And who would've thought she ends up with this nice and charming guy. I certainly didn't. I was sure she would marry the small, old one."

  Me: "Actually I was terrorized she would marry them all. Because my feminine side wanted her to sleep with ALL of them. After all, they're charming in a certain way. They're funny too! And they promise her a lot of things that EVEN ME cannot refuse. For example: how can she says no when the little guy offers a basket full of sausages? If you ask me (and if I was a nice blond chick) I would have taken the basket and sleep right away with the guy! The priest? Which priest? I don't remember any priest in the movie because I cried when she ends up with the charming guy. The screen was too blurry and I didn't have kleenex to dry my tears for me to be able to read the subtitles."

  That's it.

  I hope this review will help you to make the right choice.

• WHEN IN CHAT 2 — for When in Rome
  Written by Palahniuk007 on 20.07.2010

  Because the movie is so captivating, Doooom and myself continued to analyze the masterpiece. Here are some bits from our intellectual talk about…

  …WHEN IN ROME (spoilers alert).

  Doooom: "So you aren't a nice blond chick? That sucks."

  Palahniuk: "'I'm a hairy guy with huge feet, unfortunately.'

  Doooom: "Anyway. It was an incredible funny and charming movie."

  Palahniuk: "I agree."

  Doooom: "But it was really dark too. Especially the part in the restaurant. I could barely see a thing in there, so it was totally scary for me.

  Palahniuk: "The "blind restaurant" scene made me jump from my seat.

  Doooom: "And when all the other guys came in there with night vision devices. That freaked the hell out of me! Boy, was i glad when they finally left this scary place."

  Palahniuk: "I even yelled loudly when someone put his hand on the charming guy's shoulder. I never saw a trick like that in a movie! Ever! The screenwriters sure know how to twist a scene. And the director of photography did a great job as well: everything was well lighted. It had the reminescence of the climactic sequence of Silence of The Lambs. And what did you think of the beginning?"

  Doooom: "The beginning was the best part of the movie along with the ending and all that was in between those."

  Palahniuk: "Remember when her ex-boyfriend wants to take her back? Wasn't it outrageously funny?"

  Doooom: "How her ex-boyfriend told her that he's getting married and everyone thinks he wants to marry her? Ingenious. But this was of course a very embarrassing moment for Veronica Mars (who just turned 30 two days ago). I can totally understand how awkward she felt, cause the exact same thing happened to me half a dozen times last year (only that i'm not a hot blond chick). But what do you thing of the first wedding in the movie, when the charming guy translated her speech into italian?

  Palahniuk: "Look. I've seen thousand of weddings in Movie Land. Before When In Rome, my best wedding flick was Monster In Law. Although I have a crush with the tempo of The Wedding Planner. Anyway! When the charming guy comes to Veronica Mars rescue? I was melting. Here we have a real knight-saving-lady situation. But in a contemporary way."

  Doooom: "Wasn't this freaking hilarious?"

  Palahniuk: "Oh yeah! And there's a LOT OF SUSPENS as well because we don't know if she's gonna get away with her speach, even if the charming guy saves the day. But I definitely laughed my heart out when we realize the guy is not even italian! What a turning point!"

  Dooooom: "Btw, do you know why they called this cinematic masterpiece "When in Rome"? I mean, they are hardly in Rome at all."

  Palahniuk: "It is an alcool. You use it when making a mojito but you can also drink it pure on ice. Alas they only sip Champagne. So I don't really know what the title's message is. That's why this movie is so great: you have many layers."

  Voilà.

  We hope you enjoyed our insight.

• Or How To Pick Up Girls in WTM — for Fame
  Written by Palahniuk007 on 02.05.2011

  A Fame snap (#84880) miraculously passed through New Submissions. I, Palahniuk, decided it was time to make the move on the uploader : Oldzia999.

  Palah : This snap is from a TV SERIES. You photoshoped a couple of black bars to make us believe it's the actual movie remade from an old movie spined off itself for the television. And I don't mention the merchandising! I still have a couple of puppets of Coco and Angelo. I claim for a prompt deletion. Meanwhile you can enjoy the real stuff here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_X-USUEEKQ

  Oldzia : Excuse me?!? This is not from a tv series. If you havent watched the movie don't be so sure judging something, ok?

  Palah : FAME is my middle name. I know the 1980 version AND the 2009 wreck. But I know BY HEART the TV series. I know each episode, each shot, each line of dialogue. I possess all puppet's characters which cost now a fortune. You can't fool Palahniuk: your shot was definitely ripped from THE CRAZIES, Season 1, Episode 11, aired 11 March 1982. I'm contacting a moderator.

  Oldzia : And you can look at this http://www.imdb.com/media/rm97159936/tt1016075 and see that she's wearing exactly the same clothes as on the snap!

  Palah : You can't escape my vast knowledge of Fame materials ! Your snap shows Coco Hernandez played by Erica Gimpel in THE CRAZIES ! How do I know that you wonder? Because Coco Hernandez was ALWAYS wearing a red outfit for her dancing shots. I'm preparing a snap of the episode proving your scam.

  Oldzia : Omfg! cant you just admit your own mistake?!

  Palah : I can't make mistake 'cause my name is Palahniuk.

  Oldzia : Look if it was indeed from the tv series I wouldn't even argue, but it's not.

  Palah : I wouldn't argue if the movie was called FAKE.

  Oldzia : I uploaded a normal movie shot !!! But because of your obsession with the tv series you can't even think straight! To prove my point even further here's another pic http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1790544128/tt1016075 Look at the windows and the radiator - they match on both snaps!

  Palah : You actually made TWO majors mistakes with your "proof". 1. Kherington Payne is dressed in BLACK. She's not wearing a red outfit. 2. The radiator is NOT exactly the same. On the fake snap you uploaded I see THREE radiators. On your "proof", I see only one.

  Oldzia : Because on my proof you see a different scene from this movie, when she isn't dancing alone. But the windows and the radiator still match, it's just from the other side of that classroom.

  Palah : Sorry I don't buy the "other side of the classroom" explanation because when shooting a TV series you use only three angles. It means you leave the "other side" free for the shooting crew. But look! I had it! I'm talking right now with Asmodai. And he says I'm right.

  Asmodai : You were NOT talking to me, and please don't add me to your jokes.

  Dansie : What a hostility, damn!

  Palah : After a hundred shouts from you on my crowded wall (with terrible threats of murder), I took the time to launch a second evaluation of your shot. I reckon I made a small mistake. This snap was NOT made up with fake black bars. But I still have a slight problem. This is a CHORUS LINE shot. You probably mixed up title entries when you uploaded it. Ask a moderator to sort it out.

  Dansie : Get your facts straight before accusing someone from this sort of thing, let alone a well known wtm-er. Im sure no decent movie lover would create such an elaborate scam for one miserable upload...

  Palah : Yeah I know. That was the only way to flirt with oldzia999.

  TheNarrator: This is the way you flirt? This is how you roll? Wow...

  Oldzia : Yeah, I usually just respond well to hardcore flirting.

  Palah : And that's my girl! I love Brits Ladies because they don't flinch! And you know what Sophie? I just made you a SUPPORTER right now! What do you think of that?

  Oldzia : I guess I'm a half-amphibian hybrid now, that's all I'm gonna say ;))

  Palah : And I will send you my sealed vintage Coco Hernandez's puppet.