Displaying all 2 Review

• Ryan Reynolds. Really? — for Blade: Trinity
  Written by swarley_dude on 14.01.2010

  This was a great movie in my opinion. I love chessy action movies where the action is amazing while the plot is still simple enough to follow but not be boring, and most of all, the main characters lines are coming out of your mouth as they say them. Ryan Reynolds is so funny in this movie Wesley Snipes didn't have to show up. Parker Posey is so hot here its no suprise to me ***spoiler alert*** that she and the other vampires burn up into ashes. Triple H does a great job of being big and Lincoln Burrows rules in the funny goth vampire store. I llove this movie, own it and watch it suprisingly often.

• Blade? More like Bland. — for Blade: Trinity
  Written by OhLookBirdies on 11.01.2010

  I started watching this film with low expectations, partly because I'd heard nothing but bad things about it, and partly because the Law of Sequels dictates that the second sequel to anything can only be any good if an act of God is involved. And yet, despite my low expectations, this film completely failed to meet them. What an utter heap of shit.

  The story is completely ridiculous. Dracula was real, and shitloads older than we thought, namely 6000 years, give or take a couple of hundred. He got tired of the world though, and dug himself in. Some other vampires find this out, and dig him up again, so he can help them defeat Blade. Now call me unadventurous, but to me, this seems like bringing out a bazooka to kill the wolf outside your hunting cabin. Massive fucking overkill.

  Dracula, or "Drake," as he is now called, completely fails to live up to his reputation of ultimate badass once he is dug up. What's with the fucking "LOOK AT MY BIG CHEST!" blouse, for example? And apparently he can "move his thousands of tiny bones, like a snake", enabling him to change his appearance. Now, firstly, if he can look however he want to, why does he settle on the "King Emo" dipshit face? And secondly, if his shapeshifting is based on his skeleton structure, how the fuck does he manage to change his hair as well? Is his every hair really a tiny bone, or something? And considering he is allegedly the "ultimate predator", he sure is a petty little shit, killing a pair of goths in a vampire souvenir shop because he doesn't like what they've done to his Dracula image. Now personally, if I were a perfect killing machine, and humanity was my cattle pen, I wouldn't give a flying fuck about what they think of me. They're basically just walking hamburgers, and I don't mind my food giving me lip before I eat it.

  The good guys are also a bunch of whiny little buggers. Formerly, Whistler and Blade were the cool ones. However, Whistler gets killed in the beginning, and this turns Blade from "Kickass avenger who doesn't give a shit" into "Whiny crybaby who bitches at everyone". Not a change for the better.

  The whole virus-killing-every-vampire thing they drum up is completely ridiculous too. Apparently it will only work right if it's mixed with Dracula's blood, because his is the purest of all vampires. But I'd say he's a completely different kind of being entirely. He's a Daywalker, he has the whole thousands-of-little-bones thing going, and he's generally to vampires what vampires are to blind mole rats.

  If I hate this film so much, you might wonder, why do I still give it three stars? If you were in fact wondering that, well noticed. So far, the film's own merit would not even entitle it to half a star. But the film's makers have somehow managed one redeeming quality: Ryan Reynolds, or Hannibal King as he's called in the film. Reynolds has a talent for salvaging shitty films, but this stillbirth of a film is even beyond his rescue. That is not to say that his scenes aren't awesome, because they are. He is a quick-witted bastard, who always succeeds in pissing off dangerous people in hilarious ways. This is the sole reason this film even manages to scrape those three stars together.